Yesterday Andree wanted to go with Chantal to Woodlands Garden Centre, a few miles away, to buy a jumper in a sale. Woodlands Garden Centre is not, of course, a garden centre. Like many other garden centres it is, in fact, a retail outlet with a garden centre attached. I decided to go along, since I wanted to browse the sweaters in Mountain Warehouse. After all the expedition wouldn’t take long, maybe an hour and a half, and we should be back in time to walk the dogs in daylight.
I should have known better. My selection was made in 10 minutes, plus a few minutes for wife-approval purposes. Andree quite impressed me, choosing her jumpers from the adjacent Woollen Mill shop in less than 20 minutes. In the meantime Chantal browsed, and found some great all-in-one snow suits for Bess and Florence, perfect with winter weather forecast (and it can be grim Up North). Chantal picked a couple of suits off of the rack, and asked whether I thought that they were the right size, and whether insulated suits would be suitable, since there were no lighter weight versions. I wish she wouldn’t ask me things like that. How would I know?
I suggested phoning Claire, and Chantal had the bright idea of “Face timing” Claire, a sort of video link for Apple enthusiasts. Thus it was that I was soon standing in the middle of a busy store, with a bright red snowsuit suspended from one hand, and a bright blue snowsuit suspended from the other, being “filmed” on an i-phone, while Chantal and Claire (on speakerphone) had a loud conversation audible throughout the store, giving instructions on how I should best display the aforesaid items for best viewing on the “video link”, while other shoppers did their best to browse around me without getting in the way.
We had just duly made our purchases, well in time to be home in daylight, when Andree said those words that blokes dread. “I’m just going to pop into the shoe shop…”
Women never, ever, “pop” into a shoe shop. They settle in a shoe shop. They browse in a shoe shop. They almost-but-not-quite make a purchase in a shoe shop, and then re-examine their options in a shoe shop. I explored the rest of the shopping areas at length, periodically returning to the shoe shop to confirm that no purchase had been made yet. I sat in the shoe shop and played with my phone. I watched a trailer of the film “Woman in Black”. I browsed the BBC news web site. Andree never did buy any shoes. Chantal bought two pairs.
We eventually got home 31/2 hours after leaving. We set off with the intention of buying 2 jumpers. “We” actually bought 4 jumpers, 2 snowsuits, 2 pairs of gloves, 2 pairs of shoes, 2 sets of Christmas tree lights, 1 Christmas decoration, and 3 bags of Bonios. We looked at, but never actually purchased, a lot of shoes, a second Christmas decoration, bird feeders, bird food, Christmas cards, cheese, wine, bananas and a cactus.
It was dark and raining by the time we got home. Next time I’ll stay at home and polish my CD collection, or iron my socks, or paint the garden fence and watch it dry.
Technically we live in Oaktree House, but sadly the tree had to go.
We now have a thriving Oakstump at the front of the house.
